Cancer

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

I began a draft of this post at the end of February. When I revisited it, I knew I had to start fresh because what I had written was incredibly angry and riddled with swear words. I think we all know by now that Cancer is pervasive and indiscriminate. It seems that every week, I am informed of a diagnosis, or someone close to me is diagnosed with this disease. I have had two friends (one a former lover) diagnosed in the last week- learning about this within three days of one another. The first is a rare form of brain cancer requiring invasive surgery and two months of radiation, the other, breast cancer in a male friend.

Cancer is something that is now a part of my daily life. I’ve been through a few chemo treatments with a good friend, I know too many people who have first hand experience with it, and three good friends work for cancer organizations the American Cancer Society and the Livestrong Foundation here in Austin. I raise money every year for small, local non-profits for a breast cancer ride called the Mamma Jamma ride. In August of 2012 I will be doing Hood to Coast-a 200 mile relay race (running) with a team of 12 and in order to participate our team will have to raise $18,000 for the American Cancer Society- the race founder was diagnosed and treated for melanoma in 2005.

Not having had cancer myself, I can only speculate the personal struggles and triumphs that one must overcome and then celebrate when dealing with any form of cancer. What I observe, is that people come together in droves to support an individual if help is asked for, and sometimes even when it’s not. Because early detection is becoming the norm, more and more people are being diagnosed with better chances of survival. I’m all for early detection, but it seems to me that the standard cancer treatment in this country is slightly better than archaic.  Though chemotherapy treatments have “come a long way” in the ongoing battle with cancer, sometimes the side effects of the treatment are just as bad as disease itself. The question that comes to my mind is “Why do doctors consistently poison the entire body with drugs that are designed to ‘mass murder’ instead of ‘search and destroy’?” There are several films: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/ , Burzynski http://www.burzynskimovie.com/, and Crazy Sexy Cancer http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ to name a few, that document other alternate treatments of cancer and other disease very successfully.

The second question that comes to mind is, “Why is cancer so prevalent in our society?” What are we doing to our food, our water supply and our healthcare system? Why must we continue to pay for substandard healthcare? Arguably, the United States has great healthcare, but it is too often too costly for many people to benefit from and doctors and nurses are often trapped in the bureaucracy of the system and are unable to ‘practice’ medicine to the best of their abilities. I say this all subjectively.

Speaking with a friend regarding a close friend of hers who is undergoing intense treatment of breast cancer, she forwarded me this photo.

I think her spirit is evident, inspirational and humbling. From here on out, this is the image I will keep in my heart and mind regarding cancer.

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

“He who has health, has hope. And he who has hope, has everything.” ~ Proverb.

I love documentaries of all kinds, but in particular, I enjoy ones where people go on a personal journey of growth. I came across a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead a couple of months ago, and was amazed by it. The film follows an Australian man who was 100 lbs overweight, had an incredibly unhealthy diet and a very debilitating auto-immune disorder that required heavy medication.He decided to take matters into his own hands when the medication didn’t make him feel any better. He began a juice fast for 60 days (under medical supervision) and traveled around the united states where he met another man in a similar state and began to tell his story too. I was blown away! They each lost over 80 lbs. in 60 days and were able to get off of most of the prescription medications. I couldn’t help but be inspired, so I embarked on a juice cleanse of my own. I researched recipes, and read others fasting experiences, borrowed a juicer, and consulted with a few friends who had done juice cleanses of their own-one a 7 day and one 26 day cleanse.
To celebrate my foray into the world of drinking my meals, I went to Max’s Wine Dive and had three glasses of wine, buffalo sliders and a corn and goat cheese dip. This was pretty much the antithesis of how to start a cleanse.
Day 1 began on a Thursday, which I have off, so I could ease myself into my new regiment without rushing. My first juice was what I had on hand- grapefruit, oranges, peaches and a lemon. Tasty! Then I went to the grocery store. I purchased 3/4 of a conveyor belt (at the checkout) of fruits and vegetables for 46.83. So cheap! I felt hungry off and on for most of the day-this continued through day five- and I developed a mild headache but for the most part, I felt fine.
Day 2: I experimented with some recipes, one of which included an onion. “Onions shouldn’t be juiced” was the most important lesson I learned during my cleanse. I’m also craving popcorn, and hot dogs which is random, but I blame a friend who inadvertently sent me a picture of some polish sausage.
Day 3: I decided to drive to San Antonio, at lunch time, to check out the dogs at the animal shelter, and I didn’t pack a juice for dinner, because I wasn’t thinking.This was a huge mistake since I closed down the shelter debating which puppy to pick from a litter, and shopping at the outlet mall was next on the agenda. I didn’t have juice again until 9 p.m., which made me super cranky.
Day 4: I’m really annoyed that my hunger hasn’t gone away at this point and people eating in front of me gets on my nerves. My sense of smell is really heightened at this point. I went to the grocery and spend 29.90 on veggies. I think I lost two lbs today.
Day 5: This day was eventful, as I had a bowel movement (which was my last for the rest of the cleanse) and my hunger and my food cravings went away! I then have a party in my head. I also had to go grocery shopping to replenish my stock and spend 26 dollar.
Day 6: I’m in a great mood. Still not hungry, still juicing. I’ve lost 6.5 lbs at this point. Another trip to the grocery gets me 24.56 of fruits and veggies.
Day 7: Feeling good! At this point, I’m thinking that Ill be challenged since the two friends that I spoke with both said that their hunger came back around this time, but I didn’t have that problem. I’m down 8.5 lbs
Day 8: I’m feeling really good and loving that I’m not having any more food cravings, but I’m ready to chew something besides gum. I sneak an organic sucker from the front desk at my office. I don’t lose any more weight today.
Day 9: I’m doing great with the juice cleanse. I’m even better because the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series!!! I may have eaten a jolly rancher at some point today. I still don’t lose any weight.
Day 10: I’m having moments of crankiness and drowsiness and I’m ready to eat at this point. I’m creating lists of places to go when I do start eating again and fantasizing about sushi, bbq, and antipasto plates. The popcorn craving is back. I sneak another organic sucker. I go to a party, and on the way, I stop and get a quart of clamato since I want something to drink besides water once I get there and I end up drinking the whole thing in my car on the way there.
Day 11: I’m grouchy. It was my goal to make it 21 days on my cleanse, but I needed to make it through 11. I’m torn as to whether or not I should eat tomorrow morning. I go to the store and buy 28 dollars of produce. I eat three dum dums from a bag of candy in the garage. I gain a lb. back.
Day 12. It’s Halloween. I juice breakfast and lunch. On my drive home from work around 6 :30, I realize I’m miserable and I decide to eat some solid food when I get home. I start with a spoonful of almond butter and heat up some refried black beans. I drink a juice and feel better now that I’ve chewed something. I put on my costume and get ready to hand out candy. Then I proceed to eat four pieces. After about an hour with no adverse reactions, I agree excitedly when my friend suggests we order pizza and I eat three pieces of mushroom pizza. I didn’t expect it to be as salty as it was, but I didn’t have any problems.
Day 13: I feel great this morning. I had a bowel movement, and felt euphoric afterwards. Putting two and two together made me realize that I was grouchy and feeling off because I had all these toxins dumping into my bowel and they had nowhere to go. Ill take some sort of laxative the next time I juice for more than a few days, and hopefully that will make me feel better and allow me to juice longer.

I loved this experience. It gave me the tools to help me manage my hunger and to allow me to stop thinking about food so much for a week and a half. I never really realized how much time I spend during my waking hours on when, where and what I’m going to eat. I will lighten up with regards to my food intake,hunger levels and appetite, not to mention notice when I’m emotionally eating. Next time I will include a colon cleanse with the juice fasting. Since my body has the memory of the latter, I’m hoping it won’t be too intense. Now that I’m eating solid food again, I’ll refrain from meat and alcohol and limit my sugar and refined flour intake. I’m planning on juicing for breakfast (at least) and lunch for a few weeks to ease my digestive system back into the routine.
www.fatsickandnearlydead.com is the website for the film, but there is a ton of information on juicing and cleansing that is worth checking out.

Happiness, Honor and Hamlet.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet,

I was having lunch with a friend recently. This particular friend is very good at calling you on your ‘stuff’, sometimes good at seeing his own ‘stuff’ and not very good at knowing when to let go of being right. I was talking about some situation or another relating to happiness and in the silence of my pause he interjected with “Happiness isn’t a thing. It’s moments of note or weight, or glimpses of joy in small bursts. Happiness is fleeting moments that we string together throughout the boredom and bullshit to keep us going through our days as we try to create more of those moments. Though this resonated in the back of my mind, it never really occurred to me to vocalize it quite that way. If you believe this theory- I’m still discerning the truth of it for myself-then Happiness is a choice- something I’ve also heard before. We can choose to see joy, or god, or love, in those tiny moments that make us feel happy every day. We always have a choice in our attitudes, but we also have a choice about how open we are to recognize those moments, and then to take advantage of the gift that they bring.

I’ve been subject to a betrayal recently. I’ve never really had to deal with something of this magnitude, and to be honest, for about four weeks, I completely lost my marbles. The betrayal was apparent as it was occurring, but I chose to trust the person that it involved, only to find out a year later that I had been led to believe things were not as they had seemed- directly from this person’s mouth, and also that I had been directly lied to. I am choosing to forgive this person, because we are close and because I care about her. What I am struggling with, is my level of trust within our friendship. So far, I don’t have an answer for myself and for the time being, will keep myself from being vulnerable in her company and I know this decision causes both of us pain. Which brings me to honor.

The definition of honor as a noun- Principled uprightness of character; personal integrity. The definition of honor as an idiom- be on / upon one’s honor, to accept and acknowledge personal responsibility for one’s actions.

I try to navigate my life with honor and though I fail sometimes, it is very difficult for me to lie to someone. In the case of my friend, she lied to me by omission, and also, she straight up lied. Neither of these acts reflect honor in this definition. I think that this is where honor and honesty go hand in hand, and I truly believe that in order to live with honor (and integrity too as they tend to hang out together), one has to be honest with themselves first and foremost. This can be very difficult, but also very rewarding. It has to do with your choices- like the choices you make to recognize happiness as brilliant moments of joy or god or love asking you to be a part of life. If you choose to really look at the motivations behind your daily choices, whether in regards to people, money, food, exercise or work, and get really honest with yourself living out of honor and integrity becomes harder and harder to do. But first we have to choose to take a look at ourselves and our motivations, and that can create a struggle. The beauty of this is that we grow out of struggle.

I believe that I am growing. I struggle every day with forgiveness and letting go. Its very easy to get trapped in a place of hurt or anger and once there, can be difficult to open up to those tiny moments of happiness that happen all the time around us. I’m doing better every day, and I surprise myself constantly.

Every moment is a choice. I choose happiness and honor and honesty. Oh, and Hamlet.

Life, she is full of surprises.

If we are strong, and have faith in life and its richness of surprises, and hold the rudder steadily in our hands. I am sure we will sail into quiet and pleasant waters for our old ~ Freya Stark

Life has a funny way of handing you opportunities disguised as challenges. For example, the discovery of an extra bone in your foot. If you are a person of average constitution and demeanor, this discovery would probably never be made. If for some obscure reason your attention was directed to search for an extra bone  in your foot, and one was perchance found, the resulting reaction would probably be something along the lines of, “Huh, cool.”  However, if you are me, a person of competitive nature and an adventurous and intense constitution, you would be drawn to the discovery of an extra bone in your foot due to excruciating ankle and foot pain that makes running not worth the effort and walking near impossible at times. Ladies and Gentlemen, I, am special.

os-tibiale-externum

Meet Jerome. Jerome, the extra bone. Okay, it’s not my actual photo because I haven’t gotten my x-rays back, but its the closest likeness. Jerome has an attitude. He has been acting out since last August. At first it was just a little pain in my arch upon waking up and stepping down on the floor that would go away after ten minutes or so of walking around. No big deal, I thought, I should probably just give my feet a little more tlc and that would take care of it. I completed a marathon in November, another ten mile race in January, and was heavily training for my first half marathon with a time goal at the end of February. The half marathon didn’t happen due to over-training (i.e. exhaustion) and a nagging hamstring injury. I took four weeks off and laid on the couch, ate whatever I wanted to and only started running again the beginning of March with a 203 mile, 12 person relay race. I really had no problems at that point other than the nagging pain upon waking and walking. San Francisco marathon training began March 28th. By the beginning of April, I was having consistent pain in my arch and up into my ankle for a couple of hours, two or three times a day. By the beginning of May, I was in tears after an easy three mile jog. That’s when I went to Medicine in Motion here in Austin to see Dr. Martha Pyron.- www.medinmotion.com – She and the girls were really helpful, and also very understanding of my situation. I warned them in all seriousness that I might cry if they told me I had to stop running. Which, after the x-rays revealed Jerome, they did. There is a surgery to remove it, but it’s intense, and doesn’t always leave you pain free. Shalane Flanagan- a competitive distance runner who, after began training to run marathons, discovered a Jerome of her own- did have surgery to remove it and went on to recover beautifully. She placed second in her Marathon race debut, only losing by 20 seconds to a veteran Kenyan. I managed to stay dry eyed and took two weeks off until my next appointment. Cursing Jerome and getting some supportive shoes out of the process.

For the first week, it was like a vacation. I joked with my running buddies that I was going to get some rest and therefore, get faster, ha ha! But during the second week, I got fairly depressed. I was still in a lot of pain that was showing no signs of relenting. I love running. Love it. Well, okay, I have a love hate relationship with it, which usually means there is a decent amount of passion involved. So, I love it. If you can’t do something you love, life becomes challenging. Also, running is a coping mechanism for me. I de-stress from work, I work through personal issues I’m having, I pray, I jam out to music and fly down the trail (My version of flying is chasing down an 8 minute mile). It gets my heart rate up and I get sweaty. I also love to sweat. Love it. I started cycling, but it just wasn’t quite the same. So, having gone back to the Dr., and gotten the all clear to start running again in SMALL increments of time, I’ve started to do just that. It’s up and down and some days are better than others.I run 4 days a week consistently, and I miss the freedom of it. I miss the anticipation of my scheduled training runs. I miss looking forward to being alive and simply moving, moving, moving on my own two feet down Ladybird trail in the early morning, just as the sun is coming up. The birds waking with tender, fresh songs as the city gently shakes off sleep and creates a new day. I miss it. I think only runners who are injured can relate to that specific feeling, but the larger issue of not being able to function how one normally does is a universal struggle. If an addict gets clean and sober, if a career man or woman retires after 40 years, if -and this is an extreme- if a person loses an arm or a leg or becomes paralyzed. These examples are all semi permanent. In theory, addicts can fall off the wagon, sometimes paralysation is reversible. The question then becomes, what do you replace your routine, or your passion or focus with? How do people transform a major portion of their lives into something else that will fulfill them or occupy the majority of their time? I think opportunities disguised as challenges are very common, no matter to what degree you are challenged. I think it takes a lot of introspection, investigation into alternatives and also support. From family, friends, and medical personnel. I know faith or religion is leaned on heavily during times of “opportunity” as well.  I don’t have an answer because I’m working through this myself. Surgery to remove Jerome is costly and painful, and there is no guarantee that I’ll be pain free afterwards, but I do know that I’m considering it. I can tell that he’s there now. Now that I have the information and observing how my foot behaves with and without running, I notice how the extra bone affects all the others in that foot. I do know that I will be able to run again, but for how far or how long is to be determined. Until then, I have cycling, and swimming and the occasional “I don’t care how bad my foot hurts, I have to go for a quick three miler before my head explodes”. And Jerome, I have Jerome to lean on too.

Open Mind, Open Heart.

I have noticed myself noticing lately. Mostly, I notice behavior, and behavioral patterns.  The ways people- myself included- deal with stress, miscommunication, and intuition. I notice what happens when people make assumptions, and judgements and operate from a place of fear, instead of a place of love. I notice what happens when people-myself included- practice curiosity by asking questions. This technique works wonders for alleviating all those aforementioned ickys, by the way. Here is what I’ve come up with, and I’ve had some help, over the last couple of months. 1. All drama comes from miscommunication. If you make assumptions, most of the time you are going to be wrong. Asking questions helps to prevent this. Like with anything, this is easier said than done sometimes. 2. If we all operated from a place of love, instead of fear, the world would be a much better place. *cue Kumbaya. People act out and do stupid, spiteful things because they are scared-scared of rejection or abandonment or even just to be vulnerable to another person. Everyone does it. So, more feelings get hurt, and people fight and take things personally and relationship dynamics go south, fast. It takes a lot of practice to operate from a place of love, and it takes a lot of courage to be that open all the time. Deepak Chopra coaches us to do this in The Path of Love. www.pathoflove.net. Don Miguel Ruiz coaches us to do that in The Mastery of Love. www.miguelruiz.com. Again, this is easier said than done. 3. These things, like anything, take practice. The old adage of “Practice makes perfect” is true. Being in the moment and choosing love over fear take constant effort. Or choosing to have an open heart or an open mind, or letting go instead of holding on, or choosing to serve instead of be selfish. They all require conscious choices. 4. People are constantly changing, and growing and becoming more or less of who they are- that is to say, the truth of a person is ever evolving. So simply noticing what someone’s choices, behaviors or words may be in a single moment reflect their particular truth, and that could change in an instant, depending on perceptions, assumptions and issues of the past.  4. Self-compassion is a thing worth investigating. I read an article about this yesterday, and through my pool of emotions, I concur with the author of this article on how to be self-compassionate; http://tinyurl.com/69a7l23. I still am struggling with these things, and today is a particularly difficult day. I know my perception or my truth will change, and my vision of myself and my choices will expand and tomorrow will be a different day. I just have to keep reminding myself that life is a process,to stay in the moment and tomorrow is a brand new day. 

Making friends with discomfort.

The first week of marathon training was tough. Giving up alcohol was no big deal, but giving up caffeine was awful. I drink a soy latte every day, and I love them so much, I make them last until the afternoon. Sometimes, if I can’t contain myself, Ill have another one mid-afternoon if the first one goes too fast. I was tired aaaall day long. Aaaall daaaay. Talk about uncomfortable. Jeez Louise. The good thing though, was I slept like a rock and didn’t have any trouble waking up. In fact, three days in, I started waking up before my alarm went off at 6:30. I have cut out eating at restaurants, and given up junk food and most things sweet.  I gave myself a computer cutoff time of 9 p.m. and a bedtime of 11 p.m.  I must admit that I like myself off of caffeine, and I’m staying really hydrated which was one of the goals in giving those things up.

Now, having given up a daily stimulant and an almost daily depressant, I find that I notice when I’m not totally present or when something comes up I try to sit with it. I do this on a regular basis, but it is a noticeably different experience the cleaner I get, and its been pretty uncomfortable. I am filtering through some finely layered behavioral patterns, addictions or ways of thinking that are no longer serving me, but somehow, this is different. I don’t have any kind of external coping mechanism to fall back on, and my only recourse is my emotional and/or mental behaviors(my physical behavior is regimented by training- which I am taking care not to overdo at this point)People who really try to gain perspective and grow must make friends with discomfort. If you are not uncomfortable, things do not change. So, I have begun to embrace discomfort. Invite it in for a cup of tea, to see what it I am really afraid of. The more I do this, the more comfortable I become. I am changing my perspective to allow discomfort to really and truly be an ally in showing me how I may grow instead of trying to push it backwards out the door without letting it put its shoes on first. I saw this bumper sticker today on my way to Town Lake for my run:

I think it is pretty appropriate.

Oh, and as a side note, I FINALLY baked my first loaf of gluten-free bread. It was amazing. Totally amazing. You can find the recipe here: http://www.reciperascal.com/glutenfree-bread-machine-recipe-farmhouse-buttermilk-bread-/

Marathon Training

I have two marathons under my belt. The first- Austin, Feb. 2010-was, in a word, awful. I didn’t train properly and was in pain from mile 8 on. It took me six hours and three minutes to complete it. Really? I know walkers that have faster marathon times than that. The second- NYC, Nov. 2010- was much better. I completed it in five hours and one minute; I felt stronger and much more prepared and the course was definitely more challenging and entertaining. Now, for my third. San Fransisco, July 2011. This is a race the Wall Street Journal has coined “The race that marathoners fear”, but I am really looking forward to it. What I’m not looking forward to is the 5:15 am wake up call to be at Barton Springs for my 6 am yoga classes, long Sunday runs that start at 6 a.m. due to the oppressive Austin heat, not going out to eat, refraining from caffeine, sweets and fried foods or drinking alcohol for nearly four months- with the exception of my birthday at the end of May- and, in short, cutting my social life in half. A friend recently asked me why I was doing this, since it seemed as though I suffered disproportionately to what I gained. She said it didn’t make sense that people would do something that caused them constant pain and was difficult to achieve. I thought about it for a while. This is what I came up with. I never run without pain. Ever. I have an old softball injury in my left hamstring that has plagued me for years and running just exacerbates it. I run when I’m tired and sore, in the dark and in the humidity and heat and sub-freezing temperatures. With the exception of the dangers of getting hit by a car, or having a stress fracture or some other injury that would require time and money and rest, the challenge of running is mostly mental. Its only me, and my body, the weather and the distance. I get to challenge my own boundaries, both mental and physical, without any interference from anyone else, and the pain is temporary. Bodies heal, and your mind gets to retain all the breakthroughs and lessons you gain each time you get out on the trail or cross a finish line. Running long distances can look crazy from an outsider’s perspective, but if you think about it, subjecting your body to 26.2 miles is better than staying in a job or a relationship that is unhealthy for your mind and spirit longer than is absolutely necessary. People do that all the time and rarely get called crazy. Humans do far worse things to themselves than run marathons, and at the cost of more than just the runner.

So anyway, beginning Monday, March 28th, I begin marathon training for the third time, with a fresh perspective, an 18 week plan, a tentative time goal and promise to myself to have a ton of fun with it. I will be spending a lot of my weekend time at Barton Springs, avoiding ice baths for as long as I can.